The Day I Realized A Deep Dark Secret About Myself

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Sometimes you have to be smacked on the head to really see something about yourself.

I had made the confession earlier this year about my depression.

I have another confession!

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     I had been dealing with depression for awhile, but I could have never have imagined what could possibly come from that.

I often listened to the negative self-talk that often led me down paths of self-loathing and feeling extremely negative about myself.

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Being the die-hard introvert I am, the feeling of sadness and hopelessness often gets internalized making its sordid debut in places least expected.

And I am realistic enough to be able to say, “That’s the way it is.”

So what’s my secret?

A lot of times when I have hit my lowest of lows, I would take a scissors and literally butcher my hair.

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I would cut and trim and cut some more until there was very little left.

It was during one of these deranged manic moments that I looked in the mirror and it hit me.

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I was a

Cutter.

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Not in the traditional form but one just the same.

A cutter is also known as a person who inflicts Self-harm or self-injury.

“Some people feel an impulse to burn themselves, pull out hair or pick at wounds to prevent healing.” NAMI

Hurting yourself or even considering it is a sign of emotional distress.  It is a coping skill meant to relieve mental anguish and pain.  Often the person abusing themselves believes it is reflective of their thoughts about themselves.

When I realized what i was actually doing, I stopped it.  However I do still have my days where it is a heated internal battle inside myself and I have to turn to more effective, less harmful, ways to cope…. like journaling.

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Now I don’t really journal as much as I used to for personal reasons but also because the nerve issues I have going on makes writing by hand quite difficult, but I wanted to use it as an example.

If you realize you are harming yourself for the release of the pain, I would like to strongly urge you to get help because self-injury could lead to infection as well as other things.

You do not have to go through life feeling like you need some type of dangerous release to the pain.

Help is just a phone call away!

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If you don’t know where to turn, try checking with your local church.  They can often direct you to a place to get help.

Or you can call the helpline at the National Alliance on Mental Illness at  800-950-6264.or

you could try the SAFE hotline at 800-DONTCUT | (800)-366-8288

And if you know someone who self-injures, talk to them or a trusted adult about it.

SELFHARMSQUARE

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2 thoughts on “The Day I Realized A Deep Dark Secret About Myself

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