Limbo

Lately I feel like my life is in limbo. I honestly don’t know what I am waiting for to happen. I think it is partially motivated by fear….and partially a feeling of being let down. You suddenly have little/no health crisis and you don’t know how to deal with it. I am still dealing with the after effects. Suddenly my teeth are no longer in excellant shape. Because of the hormone meds they had me on my weight shot back up in spite of walking several miles a week which has been depressing for me. I talked to him this week and he told me to try going off the hormone. He warned me there would be hot flashes but so far I have not experienced any of those. I know my aunt told me she never had any so maybe I won’t either. Another effect of this has been increased panic attacks. At least I guess that is what they are. A lot of that rises from the lack of control I feel.

I’ve been trying to ask God where he wants me to go from here. Do we try and assist the cancer support group at church or do we continue the call we have felt toward family ministry? I need direction and focus. I signed up for a woman’s conference coming up in October. It will be nice to have a time of refreshment as well as be among a fellowship of other women. I know that is part of my feeling of let down. During my illness I felt the friendship of others as I traveled through this but suddenly I don’t. And I know there are others who need help and I’m glad there are people who can serve like this. We have gone through so much in the past year between my cancer, Norm’s b/p last summer and health crisis over Christmas, Nicole having syncope issues last fall, Tyler having issues with coping with the stress of health issues at home and things not being stable at school for a little while and Lexi having some learning issues probably the result with me not being able to give her the time she needed because of my own health issues. It’s like being stuck in traffic congestion for a long time, dealing with other travelers and road blocks, construction, noise and suddenly you find your self by a quiet lake and you are shocked by the silence. It’s hard to put it into words.

Anyway, I’ve been trying to spend time in the Word and journaling to try and get those feelings out and deal with them…..giving my worries to God because I know He wants to carry them for me.
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7 thoughts on “Limbo

  1. You describe so well how I felt once all treatment was over and I was meant to get back to my life. What life? The one I had had been changed irrevocably; and I didn't know what the new one was supposed to be. And that's part of this journey too — figuring out what our next steps are. Try and stay calm..easy to say, I know. Take your time…seek patience, grace and forgiveness (of yourself and your body for what has happened). It will come…it just doesn't happen as quickly as we would like. Once we accept that it becomes easier.

    As for those panic attacks…I used nothing at all during my treatment but just before I finished my herceptin (a year of additional drug tx) I hit a brick wall. I asked for something and was given Effexor for my mood and Ativan for the panic attacks. I no longer need the Ativan but I'm still on the Effexor — it just makes life a lot easier. I still pray, have my faith and spirit but there are times when just a little something extra makes a HUGE difference. Hugs and prayers to you.

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  2. I'm so glad I found your blog today!!!! I read your feelings here, and I can truly tell you, you are not alone! I finished breast cancer treatments mid October, and I, too, felt that feeling of “where do I go from here?” For a year, my focus and concentration was on my health, the cancer center, treatments, surgery, etc. All of a sudden, it was over, and I was trying to figure out where I was in life.

    I'm on a hormone inhibitor, and it's hard. I did have the hot flashes, but they seemed to have eased up some after 6 months of it.

    You know, God does have a plan for our lives, and it is a good plan. He will lead us, as a shepherd leads his sheep. There is a verse that says, “And we shall know, if we follow on to know the Lord.” Get to know Him better, and His plan will fall into place for you!

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  3. Even before cancer I noticed those intervals of “what shall I do?” They usually occurred after a period of busy activity. In those cases we found that those quiet times were times of “rest” before busy times re-appeared. So take advantage of these intervals, rest up, and when the Lord intends for you to take up the ministry that he places in front of you, you will be rested and ready.

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  4. Denise, I am so glad you came by, so I could come to your “place” to.

    Psalms 23…from what you are saying.. it appears he is leading you beside peaceful streams, and renewing your strength. He will guide you along the right paths, bringing honor to his name..(NLT).

    I think you are doing an excellent job of describing what you are feeling.. again, I am also enjoying your blog!

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  5. Denise, I am so glad you came by, so I could come to your “place” to.

    Psalms 23…from what you are saying.. it appears he is leading you beside peaceful streams, and renewing your strength. He will guide you along the right paths, bringing honor to his name..(NLT).

    I think you are doing an excellent job of describing what you are feeling.. again, I am also enjoying your blog!

    Like

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