I’ve been trying to ask God where he wants me to go from here. Do we try and assist the cancer support group at church or do we continue the call we have felt toward family ministry? I need direction and focus. I signed up for a woman’s conference coming up in October. It will be nice to have a time of refreshment as well as be among a fellowship of other women. I know that is part of my feeling of let down. During my illness I felt the friendship of others as I traveled through this but suddenly I don’t. And I know there are others who need help and I’m glad there are people who can serve like this. We have gone through so much in the past year between my cancer, Norm’s b/p last summer and health crisis over Christmas, Nicole having syncope issues last fall, Tyler having issues with coping with the stress of health issues at home and things not being stable at school for a little while and Lexi having some learning issues probably the result with me not being able to give her the time she needed because of my own health issues. It’s like being stuck in traffic congestion for a long time, dealing with other travelers and road blocks, construction, noise and suddenly you find your self by a quiet lake and you are shocked by the silence. It’s hard to put it into words.
Lately I feel like my life is in limbo. I honestly don’t know what I am waiting for to happen. I think it is partially motivated by fear….and partially a feeling of being let down. You suddenly have little/no health crisis and you don’t know how to deal with it. I am still dealing with the after effects. Suddenly my teeth are no longer in excellant shape. Because of the hormone meds they had me on my weight shot back up in spite of walking several miles a week which has been depressing for me. I talked to him this week and he told me to try going off the hormone. He warned me there would be hot flashes but so far I have not experienced any of those. I know my aunt told me she never had any so maybe I won’t either. Another effect of this has been increased panic attacks. At least I guess that is what they are. A lot of that rises from the lack of control I feel.
Anyway, I’ve been trying to spend time in the Word and journaling to try and get those feelings out and deal with them…..giving my worries to God because I know He wants to carry them for me.